Self-centered

I just cant agree with the way he do things. All his decisions and things he do are centered around making things easy for himself. Sis said she may want to move and we can move together with her. I am not sure whether she said this to hint us, or really she meant it as we can really move with her even if she decides to move one day. I think in order not to influence her decision, its best for us to move to somewhere else on our own. But somehow, he just like to stick to the easy way out. Move to my sis place and find somewhere if one day they really want to move. But if I were them, maybe I will also be paiseh to move if I know I will be affecting another family. Moreover, after they sold their flat, they may not intend to buy a resale so fast. But because of us, they will be forced to. Why cant he see? Or why cant he choose to see? He just want the easy way out. Selfish, self-centred. Its just like the child issue, all based on his own benefits, since when he consider others.

Should I just tell him we need to part. I cannot pretend I am happy living with him. All the good news thats coming just stabbed my heart and bring me back to the time when the nasty thing happened. Sometimes in the middle of the night when i wake up, I really feel like using the pillow to suffocate him, solve all my problems. But what will happen to bb. Sigh...a wrong step will bring you to a wrong end. Its all my fault. After all, he is not the one who suggested getting a flat together, he is not the one who propose, it is me who ASK HIM TO PROPOSE, ironic right. Its also me who plan to start a family. So I am the one who initiate the marriage. I am the one who chosed to be with him, not he choose. What right have I to blame him? So, all the more, I have the right to end the agony?

I wonder when I can lead my own life and be in control of my own destiny. I don't want anyone to disrupt my life other than bb. He is my happy problem. Looking at other ppl's happiness, I wondered what mistake so grave that I have committed that god had to give me this kind of punishment. Is it wrong for me to plan? Strange, what has this world evolved into?

Then again, I'm sure god has it's reasons for not giving me another child. Because he wants to have one less victim in the event that I decide to part. I'm sorry bb, if mummy have to
Ake this decision. I want you to not grow up in a quarrelsome family. I'm sure both of us can be happy too. You will understand my decision when you grow up, and you will be able to make your own judgement then.

I don't want to be full of hatred

I'm tired to be full of hatred. I just want to live a simple life, is that difficult? I want to forget all nasty things that happened, I find it hard to tell anyone, cos everyone seems to be taking his side.

I hate him. He seems to be the cause of trouble for everything. Career, family. But how come he don't feel remorseful at all. Only know how to tell lies, think he is the best person who can tolerate my temper. Don't majority woman scold their husbands? At least that is what I just found out. He did it for revenge, but he has the guts to do and not the guts to admit. I despise him. He can take revenge, so can I? Even if it is at the expense of my own happiness, I will. If not for baby, I would have parted with him. Don't know why am I sleeping next to him every night, he is basically a stranger.

I find myself stupid, why ever buy the ec and complicate things. Even want to divorce also don't know how to do so now. Cant imagine need to wait another 3 years when the house is done then can divorce. God, pls give me direction, pls take him away from me.